Give Me Strength

I realise that once again I've been neglecting my blogging duties.  Okay, so I don't really see them as duties but trying to write anything at times can seem a little daunting.  It's not that I don't want to write.  Sometimes it's not even that I don't have anything to write.  It can seem too much of a task sometimes and so I give myself a break and try not to worry about it.  And I'm glad I did this week.

This week has been long.  I can't really remember any of it other than little snippets such as going to the doctor (just a check-up), staying up late to watch episodes of How I Met Your Mother, and yesterday.  Yesterday was a bad day M.E. wise and generally life wise.  I felt exhausted, I couldn't think other than when I was on my laptop (still trying to work that one out) and I almost gave up.  I gave up hope that I would get better and I gave up caring that I might stay in a bed forever.  I'm not actually bed-bound most days though it can feel like that as I do almost everything on my bed - read, write, go online, play board-games (it's the only clear space in the house big enough for a board).  I felt weak as I didn't want to get up and do anything ever again.

And then I very slowly came to the realisation that while I may feel weak I'm not.  I'm not necessarily strong either though.  I needed help and I asked for it.  Asking for it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do - I wasn't asking for anything in specific other than 'help me by giving me strength'.  Give me the strength by believing that I am strong and I will be.  I'm not sure if this logic makes sense to any of you but it helped.  In asking I was admitting to myself that I know I can be strong - I just need to believe it.  And having Chris believe it helped me to believe it.

I don't believe I will ever be rid of M.E.  But I'm beginning to believe I can live with it, around it.  And this is because I have people who believe I can - my family, my friends, my readers (that's you) and Chris.  Sometimes all it takes is asking for help, asking for strength to realise that you have that strength inside you.  Sometimes it takes more.  But I will be strong, I won't give up and I hope that you won't give up whatever it is you feel is pulling you into a dark hole where you feel alone and weak.